Do you fight and argue?
Do conversations start calmly and escalate quickly?
Do you find yourselves fighting over minor issues?
The most common complaint I hear from couples is, “We can’t communicate. We fight and argue all the time — over the smallest things.”
It’s not unusual for a couple to tell me about a recent fight, then look at each other trying to recall what it was about… Clearly, the issue was minor. Yet, the discussion went out of control and caused such an upset, they stopped communicating.
Arguments and fights are the most common reason couples seek a marriage counselor or couples therapist.
Four Deadly Misconceptions
False information is harmful. I cringe when I hear the nonsense passed off as advice to couples in need of help. I’ll share just four of them with you today.
(1) Gender Generalization
A client shared with me a social media post he’d come across, which stated, “Men will always sacrifice for their wives, but wives will never sacrifice for their husbands.”
Really?
This was true in his case, because his wife had started going out to bars, returning home drunk in the wee hours of the morning, and doing God knows what in between. She would leave him to care for their three little girls and — was trying to leave the marriage. It was heartbreaking.
But we’ve all heard the same story in reverse, where the wife was the loyal partner and the husband destroyed the marriage.Men or women — individuals have different personalities, moral codes and levels of care or selfishness — regardless of their gender.
What does this have to do with fixing communication in a relationship?
Partners who have misconceptions about the opposite sex, such as “all men cheat” or “all women are gold diggers” may not feel open and trusting toward their own partner. That false information has created a distance and affected their willingness to communicate openly.
(2) Why “Fighting Correctly” Is Bad Advice
Many couples have been told that if they only knew how to “fight correctly” they would be fine.
There is no such thing as “correct fighting” any more than there are “wonderful wars.” People get hurt and die in war, both winners and losers.
Similarly, no one wins an argument or a fight. You might prove your point and “be right” but at what cost? You have lost some of your partner’s affections and earned more of their resentment. Your harmony has been disrupted and now you can’t communicate at all.
(3) Should You Never Go to Bed Angry?
I know you’ve been told that you should never go to bed angry.
In an ideal world, that would be doable and very nice. However, the following story, told to me by a client, illustrates what really happens in a marriage or relationship, and how to resolve it
“It was late at night and a disagreement came up,” my client explained. “My husband reminded me of your advice, to avoid late-night discussions, but I insisted. I wanted to resolve the matter right there and then!
“So we stood outside the house to avoid waking the children and argued for an hour. Finally, we went to bed angry and exhausted, with no resolution.”“The next morning, we talked about it over breakfast and resolved the entire issue in five minutes!”
You don’t have to fix every disagreement “now.” Instead, agree to save the discussion for a better time, then follow through and address it then.
(4) Does “Active Listening” Actually Work?
According to Psychology Today, active listening involves actions such as:
— Showing that your attention is focused. Making eye contact, leaning in towards the speaker when your interest piques…
— Repeating what you have heard to check for accuracy. (Example: “So what you’re saying is…”)
I don’t know about you, but communicating this way would drive me up the wall. It’s complicated, unnatural, and more like a performance. Who can listen while performing?
I’ve been married for over three decades and my husband and I have excellent communication. But it doesn’t involve “active listening.” We just listen.
Furthermore, as a marriage and relationship coach helping couples in need of marriage counseling or couples therapy, I listen to people for hours each day. And they feel heard!
Why? Because I am really interested in what they have to say and I truly want to understand them.
You don’t have to show that you truly listen. When you do, people know it — they can feel it.
So just be yourself and be interested.
The following two steps will help you feel heard as well as be there for your partner so he/she feels the same.
Two Steps to Hearing and Being Heard
To avoid communication breakdowns in your relationship, you need to
- communicate what’s on your mind and feel heard
- let your partner communicate to you and make him/her feel heard.
How do you do that?
(1) Insist on Undivided Attention
Many people complain that their spouse or partner “never listens.”
When I inquire, I find out that they yell their communication from another room, or try to be heard over screaming children or a loud TV, or that they start a discussion as soon as their tired and hungry spouse gets home.
Before a person can absorb anything, they must be ready to receive the communication.
A child who is busy playing a game, is not going to hear you. Nor will an adult who is answering email on their phone or scrolling through social media.
If you want to be heard by your spouse or partner, make sure he or she is mentally there and ready to listen. If they are preoccupied with something, on their phone, watching a football game or their favorite show — you should get their attention before you start talking.
How?
Say, “I want to tell you something. Let me know when you can take a break.” And you get their undivided attention before you start talking.
Only then can you expect to be heard.
(2) Make Them Feel Heard
Have you ever told your partner something — perhaps you shared details of a crazy day at work or an upset you’ve had with a coworker, friend or family member — and still did not feel heard?
It made you feel resentful — maybe you wanted to stop communicating; maybe you found yourself repeating the story with the hope that you’d eventually feel heard and understood. That feeling never came.
Why?
It is not enough to hear someone out. They must also be shown that their communication has been heard and understood.
If a child points at a toy in a store and says, “Look mommy, a truck!” the wise mother would respond with, “Oh yes, I see it.” She has let him know that he’s been heard, and he’ll be fine.
But, have you ever heard a child call out, “Look mommy…” (no reply) “Look mommy!” (no reply) “Look mommy!!!” (louder, still no reply) “Look mommy!!!!!!!” as he gets louder and louder and more and more upset?
What his mother failed to do was acknowledge his communication — let him know that he’s been heard.
When your spouse tells you something, listen. Understand. Then make sure to let him/her know that they’ve been heard.
How? You respond with, “I get you” or “I understand” or “Interesting” or some similar acknowledgement that is suitable for the communication you’ve just received.
If they say, “I got a promotion!” you’d say “Fantastic!” but if they share that a coworker suffered an injury and was taken to the E.R. you’d say “Sorry to hear. I hope it’s going to be okay.”
So you can’t be a robot — you have to respond appropriately.
Share these Two Steps with your spouse or partner, so he or she knows how to communicate what’s on their mind and how to make you feel heard.
If you ignore existing misconceptions about relationships and implement the Two Steps to Hearing and Being Heard, you will find that your partner and you never stop communicating. And if you accidentally do, you can easily fix it with the two steps above.
I hope you find this helpful and I’d love to hear your feedback.
And if you need further help, do not hesitate to message me here: https://marriageaide.com/about-us/
Daphna
Daphna Levy is a marriage and relationship coach with over thirty years of experience. A TV personality and bestselling author of relationship-advice books including “Stop Fighting and Start Communicating,” she works with couples in her two Southern California offices and online— worldwide.
