Resentment in marriage is a common issue — and a serious one at that. How does it come about and what can you do to manage it or — better yet — get rid of it?
Signs of Resentment Building in Your Marriage
What are some signs that resentment is building up in your relationship?
- Irritability over minor issues
- Avoiding conversation or physical closeness
- Pointing fingers or keeping score
- Giving the silent treatment or treating each other unkindly
Causes of Resentment in Marriage
Couples often ask themselves, “why do I resent my husband/wife?”
Below are some common reasons resentment builds up.
- Neglect
Resentment could stem from neglect of issues — big and small — which are allowed to grow, fester, take over the mood of the relationship, and diminish the love and intimacy the couple once shared. - Betrayal
Incidents of dishonesty and infidelity — whether admitted to or not — are significant causes of resentment in marriage. These are hard to come back from — though not impossible. - Conflict avoidance
Avoiding conflict at all cost makes partners sweep their disagreements under the rug instead of working through them. After a while, they become strangers.Addressing and resolving conflict — if done with good communication as described in my book, “Stop Fighting and Start Communicating” https://marriageaide.com/books/ — brings partners closer. - Feeling unheard
It may be that one or both don’t feel understood or even heard. There is a sense of disconnection and poor communication. Partners start feeling unappreciated, unseen or disrespected.
A Real-Life Story
A couple came to us for help. He was resentful because their sex life suffered.
She was resentful because he never wanted to listen to her or hear about her day.
“There’s no communication,” she said, “but he wants sex? Why would I want to make love with someone who isn’t interested in my thoughts and feelings?”
Why Couples Stay Together Despite Resentment in Their Marriage
Many people want to know how to get rid of resentment in their relationship. They want to stay together — for many reasons, such as:
- Children — most people, especially women, would sacrifice their own happiness to avoid hurting their children.
- Money — getting a divorce could be financially messy with splitting assets, selling homes and reworking finances as two individuals
- Social Standing — what will people think? How will this affect extended family? How will people react when the bubble of their image as a couple bursts? How will they manage their relationships with couples and families they’ve shared as friends?
Regardless of the reasons for resentment — if they remain unresolved — the resentment grows and can put the marriage in jeopardy.
What Can You Do About Resentment in a Relationship?
- Communicate and care to listen
Communication doesn’t only mean that you express what’s on your mind. A vital part of communication is listening and trying to understand what your partner has to say.You should be willing to understand what is being said — even if you disagree or don’t understand why your partner feels a certain way.Don’t prepare your comeback while you listen. Be interested in understanding what you hear.
Try to put yourself in their shoes or, as the saying goes, “walk a mile in their moccasins.”
Incidentally, that expression comes from the 1895 poem “Judge Softly” by Mary T. Lathrap. The opening lines touched my heart and I feel they say it best:
“Pray, don’t find fault with the man that limps,
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the moccasins he wears,
Or stumbled beneath the same load.”
Learn more on communication in my article “Why Couples Stop Communicating” https://marriageaide.com/why-couples-stop-communicating-and-how-to-fix-it/
- Stop the actions that cause resentment
Now that you understand your partner’s complaints, do something about them.We’re not talking about ridiculous complaints such as, “You don’t let me go bar-hopping and return drunk at 3 a.m.” or “Why can’t I see my ex for dinner every now and then?”In the above story about the husband who was frustrated about his sex life and the wife who felt resentful about lack of communication, this is what we figured out:He understood that an emotional connection was needed prior to sex and that he needed to hear her out to build such connection.At the same time, he expressed that upon arriving home tired and hungry he was not ready to listen. He needed to eat, shower and decompress. She understood that.
So a new agreement was formed: She would take care of his needs before she began to share her day with him. That recreated their emotional connection daily. When they went to bed, they felt close and lovemaking happened more often.
Both had their needs met and their mutual resentment resolved.
- Work as a team
In teams, one team member’s issue is everybody’s problem. If the goalie falls ill, team members should do all they can to help him get well and return to the playing field.Couples often get into what I call in my book, Stop Fighting and Start Communicating, a “power struggle.”They point fingers at each other. Each tries to be right. It becomes more important to prove their rightness than create a happy marriage or relationship.Realize that your partner’s issues are the team’s, too. You and your family are a team. And the two of you are the “board members” of the entity called “family.”Try to make each other happy. Walk in each other’s moccasins and understand each other’s load.
For instance, if she struggles with fatigue or low sex drive after childbirth, he should do all he can to help her — perhaps get up at night to feed the baby so she can get some sleep, or research postpartum vitamins that could help her regain her strength.
Remember, you’re in it through thick and thin. Be there for each other at all times, and you’ll have a resentment-free relationship.
If resentment has taken hold of your relationship and you haven’t been able to let it go, marriage coaching can help you find your way back to each other.
Feel free to reach out to us at: https://marriageaide.com/contact-us/
