Have you ever been madly in love with someone who made you miserable?

Only it wasn’t always this way. There was a time when he or she made you the happiest you’d ever been. But something happened.

That was Jennifer’s story.

When Jennifer met John, he treated her better than any previous partner she’d had. He took care of her, fixed and built stuff around her house, spent time and money, and showed nothing but kindness and love toward her and her family. Soon afterward he moved in with her and her two boys, and life was good for a while.     

Then trouble began. He’d criticize her sons and judge her for “doing too much for them” and “letting them get away with stuff.” As a result, her oldest moved to another state and her relationship with him seemed ruined.

Then came cheating as well as verbal and, occasionally, physical abuse. Jennifer was afraid to anger him and refused to believe that he was no longer the sweet guy she had met a year ago.

And so it went, until the restraining order. Jennifer feared for her own and her youngest son’s life — that’s what it took to wake her up.

But even then, she still loved him — or so she thought.

In truth, she loved the person he used to be or — more accurately — the one he had pretended to be when they first met. He had presented a false personality, and that’s whom she loved — not the current monster he turned into.

Looking deeper, it became evident that he had not turn into a monster — he was a monster in disguise — pretending to be a fine man while he reeled her in and got her to fall in love with him. His actions were calculated.

When things blew up, Jennifer’s passport and credit cards went missing. That was no accident. It was premeditated fraud, targeted at a woman whose profile met his requirements: a single mother, established in a job and her own home, and thirsty for love. It was later revealed that she wasn’t his first victim.

But not all instances of a partner changing once they feel comfortable in a relationship involve violence or fraud. Sometimes it’s a matter of the person suddenly becoming emotionally unavailable, self-serving and full of complaints.

That’s what Heather encountered in her relationship with Derek.

From the start, Heather was an open book. By clear-coding her relationship intentions — engagement and marriage within a year of dating — she thought she would avert trouble. There would be no false expectations and she’d be told if she was investing her time in the wrong place.

Not so. Derek agreed to everything. He was kind and loving, and listened to her for hour on end. Six months into the relationship, his true self came to light.

He’d question her about her past relationships and, when she shared, he’d be offended. He’d ask her for sexy pictures and was upset when she refused to provide them saying, “You have me. Why do you need my pictures?” He started asking her to pay her share when they went out. Then came a generalized complaint — “You don’t meet my needs.” The constant fault-finding was emotionally draining.

He also wanted her to quit her second job in order to spend more time with him — yet did not offer to replace the lost income or help her with her bills.

They were not married or engaged — which were her needs — yet the constant nagging only highlighted his.

He would cite books and theories he’d learned in his therapy sessions. She thought the reason she couldn’t grasp everything he said was because he was so much smarter than her.

The truth was, she was a practical, self-made woman — an educated professional who was self-sufficient and hard working. Her accomplishments hadn’t been handed to her.

Eventually, he broke up with her, and she was devastated — at least for a while.

I see this in my practice all the time: A good person starts dating. Clear-coding — they don’t hide what they need and want in a partner. They share their aspirations for a long-term relationship or marriage. They name their boundaries. And they think that will protect them. It doesn’t.

When you deal with a conman or woman — as in the first example — or with a complicated, self-centered partner — as in the second, a person can pretend to be everything you’ve ever wanted. They can paint the picture-perfect future you’ve dreamed of and gain your trust and love. But their early behavior was a performance — not a reflection of who they really are.

But once they feel comfortable and secure in their position as your partner, the abuse begins — they become controlling, they gold-dig, commit financial fraud, or simply belittle and complain endlessly. The love affair becomes a nightmare.

The problem is that, like Jennifer, the abused refuses to see what’s in front of them. They are in love with the person their partner used to be — the one they had pretended to be.

What makes it more confusing is that between abuse episodes, there are “I love yous,” “You know how much you mean to me,” “You’re taking things the wrong way” and other manipulative measures. The partner who changed once they got comfortable in the relationship, is creative.

In most cases, you’re not their first victim — they’ve done this before.

So you can’t let go of this toxic relationship. You refuse to let go of the illusion the abuser had created. You hold on to it for dear life.

Being an honest person — as was Jennifer — you can’t imagine anyone treating another human being the way you’re being treated.

And being realistic — as was Heather — you seek to find logic in your partner’s complaints and, when you can’t, think something is wrong with you.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship — or One That’s Doomed to Fail

Every storm has its warning signs. The wise person doesn’t explain away the clouds or distant thunder. They look into the signs — what do they really mean? — and prepare themselves for what’s to come.

That’s what we must do when we see signs of an abusive relationship — the negative changes in our partner’s behavior.

It is true that when a person is close to a scene and emotionally involved, it’s hard for them to see things for what they are. They don’t want to believe that the original presentation by their partner was a performance. They wonder, “Why did my partner change?” and they often blame themselves. They also say, “I can’t stop loving who they used to be.” Note that the key phrase here is, “used” to be. If they no longer are, it’s time to move on.

When things start being bad, don’t deny that they are. Follow the signs, look deeper, and act accordingly.

Do not be blind to what’s in front of you.

My Advice for You

You ask, “What should I do if my partner changed once they got comfortable in the relationship?” “How can I let go of the toxic relationship I’m in?”

1. Brace yourself to face the truth — even if it’s ugly. Remember, the truth will set you free.
2. Ask yourself, when was the last time he/she did the things that made you fall in love with them? It’s probably been a while.
3. Stop giving excuses for their behavior. Judge their current behavior, not their performance at the start of the relationship.
4. Face the fact that you’re in love with the person your partner used to be, not the one he or she really is.
5. If the person’s actions were evil or harmful to you — emotionally, physically or financially — acknowledge that they were. Just because you’re a good or rational person, doesn’t mean everyone else is.
6. Don’t get desperate to save an abusive relationship or one that doesn’t meet your needs. Life is a big ocean and there are many people in it — some of them are really good.If you don’t waste your years with the wrong partners — partners who change after they have you in their grip, who suddenly or gradually become controlling, who mistreat you — you will find your match.

   And remember, you only need one! 😊